Nedra Tawwab is a Licensed Therapist and New York Times Bestselling Author. Nedra’s work was recommended to me in two different settings a few weeks ago.
“My philosophy is that a lack of boundaries and assertiveness underlie most relationship issues, and my gift is helping people create healthy relationships with themselves and others.”
— Nedra Tawwab
A lot of what I had heard and read is people struggle with communicating their boundaries. My struggle is that when I communicate my boundaries, people who claim to love and support me, choose not to respect what I said. Hence, why I eventually remove myself from relationships and/or environments.
“Circle got smaller, everyone can’t go.” -Nipsey Hussle
People may disrespect you when they see you’ve been working through various relationships. Some relationships can take longer than others when we’re being honest with ourselves and doing the internal work. The rooted work.
I have been doing my inner work for years. Upon returning to the US after Peace Corps, I was aware my boundaries had changed. I had changed. Over ten years later, my boundaries continue to evolve with life’s experiences. I know boundaries are a lifelong practice.
I recently finished reading, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” It was a great read with many noteworthy takeaways. At the end of chapter 1, there is a Self-Assessment Quiz (I highly recommend taking the quiz for anyone reading the book) to determine whether your boundaries are porous, rigid, or healthy. I surprised myself by being affirmed that I have healthy boundaries.
Below are 30 short quotes that stood out to me in, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”:
- Boundaries are essential at all ages.
2. Our family histories and personalities determine how we implement and accept boundaries. If your family operates on unspoken limits or regularly ignores limits, you will probably grow up lacking the communication skills necessary to be assertive about your needs.
3. When you’ve practiced unhealthy boundaries for so long, it’s hard to consider your options. You’ve grown accustomed to not having choices.
4. Meeting the emotional needs of a parent is not a job for a child.
5. Teaching kids to keep secrets is harmful to their growth and development.
6. Kids’ boundaries are violated when kids are placed into adult roles — even when these roles happen as a result of necessity.
7. When someone belittles your emotions or invalidates your feelings, they are violating your emotional boundaries.
8. Boundaries are the cure to most relationship problems. Both parties have to participate and respect the boundaries on either side.
9. The number one reason couples seek therapy is to improve their communication.
10. Family is where people experience the biggest challenges around boundaries, especially within parent-child relationships.
11. Outside of family, friendships are the hardest relationships in which to implement boundaries.
12. Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions.
13. Tell people what you need.
14. Be careful not to explain yourself.
15. Without boundaries in relationships, we also can’t have healthy self-care practices.
16. Not setting boundaries is a betrayal to yourself.
17. People do not have to like, agree with, or understand your boundaries to respect them.
18. There is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries. Guilt is a part of this process.
19. Stating your needs is healthy.
20. Don’t apologize for having and setting boundaries.
21. Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship.
22. Boundaries are not common sense; they’re taught.
23. When someone implements a boundary, it’s to help them feel safe, happy, and secure in the relationship.
24. All life changes require a shift in boundaries, and some relationships don’t survive the changes.
25. The moment that you begin to notice that you aren’t honoring your boundaries, get right back to keeping your word to yourself.
26. When we don’t adhere to the limits we set with others, they won’t either.
27. The bottom line is that blurred boundaries aren’t an advantageous way to effect change in our relationships.
28. Ending a relationship isn’t a sign that you no longer care about the other person. It’s an indicator of self-love, self-care, healthy boundaries, bravery, and your desire to be well.
29. Cutoffs can be a way of caring for yourself on a deeper level, as remaining in a relationship with a person who is unwilling to change can be painful and damaging.
30. Cutoffs happen as a result of believing that the other person is incapable of change, that they won’t honor our boundary, or that we have let things go so far that we’re no longer interested in repairing the relationship.