The Power of Freedom | Choosing vs. Being Chosen

“Sometimes you don’t survive whole, you just survive in part. But the grandeur of life is that attempt. It’s not about that solution. It is about being as fearless as one can, and behaving as beautifully as one can, under completely impossible circumstances.” — Toni Morrison

I remember the days I hoped to be chosen and accepted in a friend’s group or be chosen by a manager to join their team. The days of it being essential to be liked and accepted. I was malleable and lost.

A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology (2011) by Timothy A. Judge and Beth A. Livingston, titled “Do Nice Guys — and Gals — Really Finish Last? The Joint Effects of Sex and Agreeableness on Income”, shows that employees who are perceived as more agreeable and likable tend to experience more career advancement and higher income compared to their less likable counterparts.

I’ve found many studies and LinkedIn posts about the importance of likeability for an employer. Employers using likeability as a metric is biased because not all employees are willing to perform to earn likeability points. ​​How many of us have been strung along by employees about future opportunities that don’t come to fruition? I can count on multiple hands several employees who have told me to keep following up with them, only for them to become non-responsive. How many of us have put in long hours and sacrificed so much over the years that didn’t pay off in the ways we were told they would by the people who made the asks? When it comes to likeability being an important factor:

What if I intimidate an employer by being who I am?

What if I trigger their insecurities?

What if I am more qualified for their job?

What if they just don’t like me?

Sometimes, people want you to perform for them. Likeability bias is real. According to Shannon Donald, a Director of Operations Excellence at West Monroe, “Likeability bias reinforces behavior that models, and typically favors, the majority group of an organization.” Being respectful, kind, and qualified is often not enough. At the end of the day, it’s not about you; it’s about them. And yet, you have to deal with the consequences of not obtaining opportunities to pay your bills, advance your career, or be invited in rooms aligning with your passion, interests, and qualifications.

I got tired of lowering my standards, thinking it was the right thing to do, only to be disappointed every time.

Often, we don’t choose the right opportunities for us. We choose familiar suffering. We gravitate towards the wrong people and opportunities who reinforce our core belief that we are not important or enough as we are. In these moments, it’s important to notice your thoughts and feelings as they arise when you are back in a familiar pattern. Beliefs are built from the stories we tell ourselves, and a strategy is learned to cope with those beliefs. Self–neglect shows up when you are outwardly focused. I want to remind you if you have to be small to attain or keep something, you don’t want that opportunity.

I had to step back from the energy and effort it took to be chosen and ask myself, What do I want? What makes me happy? What happens to me when I show up small?

Five years ago, I stepped into the role of caregiver, expecting that once I prioritized reconnecting with my body, everything would fall back into place. I quickly learned that there’s no such thing as “bouncing back.” Instead, you transform slowly, becoming something new over time. True, lasting change doesn’t happen on the surface. It’s about:

• Changing the way you speak to yourself

• Embracing acceptance

• Processing grief

• Letting go of old habits

• Practicing self-forgiveness

• Cultivating patience

• Asking for what you need

• Creating something new

• Being curious and experimenting with what works for you NOW

• Ask yourself, “How does this make me feel TODAY?”

Choosing yourself is a skill. It takes practice.

The faster you can say no to opportunities that aren’t right for you, the faster you will find opportunities that are. You gotta create a life that is meaningful to you. But it takes time.

In May 2015, I had my first writing session with Warsan Shire — a Somali-British poet, writer, and educator known for her evocative and emotionally powerful poetry that explores themes of identity, displacement, migration, womanhood, trauma, and healing. Born in Kenya to Somali parents in 1988 and raised in London, Shire’s poetry is deeply influenced by her experiences as a refugee and the experiences of other marginalized communities, particularly women and immigrants. I wrote about the impact of my experience with Warsan Shire on my life here. She gave me the confidence to continue to invest in my writing. I wanted to create what she created for me and for others.

I committed to a writing practice. From 2016 through to the present day, I began claiming a word to embody for the forthcoming year:

• 2016–2017 Be Bold | (I was still trying to believe in embodying a word for the year). I wrapped up my work with Warsan Shire and committed to a self-publisher in January 2017. In July 2017, I self-published my book of personal poetry, I Write Letters in My Thoughts. I started my Executive MBA program.
• 2018- Stepping Into The Light | I started performing my poetry on stage in Berkeley, Oakland, and San Francisco.
• 2019- Manifestation | I completed my Executive MBA program and ran my 2nd half-marathon.
• 2020- Magic | (ironic for a year that had a pandemic) I moved back to my hometown to be a caregiver.
• 2021- Phoenix Rising | I left my dream job and took on my dream role of being a consultant
• 2022- Betting On Myself | In 2017, I had a vision for my business logo and poetry. I am grateful I brought it to life in 2022, selling journals and t-shirts branded with my business logo and intimate poetry.
• 2023- My Best Self | I started my coaching certification program. I launched quarterly writing workshops.
• 2024- Blessing | I formed my LLC, Name Dipped In Mango, became a certified executive and leadership coach, and relaunched my writing workshops

To kick off 2024, I prematurely wrote down the phrase, let the lessons be the blessings. I tweeted on New Year’s Day, In 2024, I want to call my power back.

My past self was fighting to create things I thought I needed to pursue professionally and personally in spaces I outgrew. My present self has let go of climbing the next peak of mountains that no longer align with who I am and where I want to go. Oprah has been quoted saying, “I believe luck is preparation meeting opportunity.” I am constantly learning what and when to let go of and asking myself, what do I want enough to prepare for.

Life has taught me to try again. To get back up, try again, and rebuild. Even when I’m not where I want to be, I am on a journey of getting to what is next that is for me. I’m finding clarity in the uncertainty. New things are surfacing and emerging.

All of this growth and change has occurred over the span of a decade. And now, arriving at a place of:

It feels good to be in a season of choosing and not being chosen.

I don’t need to convince an employer to hire me.

I don’t need to convince anyone of my worth for opportunities.

I don’t have to sell myself short.

I don’t have to show up small to be accepted.

It all gets easier when you aren’t focused on being chosen.

Instead of focusing on being chosen, I focus on showing up whole to attract the opportunities I want. I have to work through my insecurities so as not to write myself out of opportunities. A great thing about the season I am in is that I get to be who I am and do my part of sharing what I do and then see who my offerings align with. And if what I am offering does not align with what someone wants, I don’t take it personally. I move on with the perspective of wanting to find where are the people who are interested. I am not convincing anyone of anything. I’m not convincing them to like me or to want my coaching and journaling services. I’m living authentically and seeing what opportunities I attract from a place of being connected to myself. Yes, I am still applying for opportunities that interest me. Yes, I am sharing what I do and reaching out to people to see if it is an opportunity they are interested in. However, I am not as focused on being chosen — because I choose myself at the end of the day.

Others don’t have to respect me. I respect myself. I move accordingly.

This is the path to transformation — one step, one realization, one moment of self-compassion at a time. If you’re ready to explore what deep change looks like for you, I’m here to walk that path with you.

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